Some of y'all know I suffered through a gymboree class yesterday. That pales in comparison to today's hijinks.

Today I had to run out and buy a pregnancy test. Click below to get the full measure of my hysterical antics.

For longtime readers, it will sound like a replay. Suddenly, I could not stand the smell of food. I have been nauseous all weekend, fighting off a headache. I'd sit up, going about my routine, and the next thing I'd know I'd be curled into a ball chanting 'I will not hork, I will not hork'. My face blossomed in zits and my tits started to ache. My dreams were psycho vivid the past 2 nights, and if my husband touched me I wanted to rip his arms off and stuff them down his throat.

In short, every sign and portend I had with Sean. Except this time, there was no chicken salad to blame it on. Cue freakout. Cue hysteria. No way, no way, no fuckin way. The lad asked me what was wrong, and I told him about the nausea and headache, and even he leapt to "Oh sweet jesus lord tell me you're not pregnant!"

Have you ever bought a pregnancy test in a really really bible-y area on a Sunday? I now have! And let me tell you, it's not fun. Alas, the store I went to keeps it in a glass case along with the condoms. You know, so that the sinners can be easily delineated from the good god fearin folk . Don't tell me it's for 'loss prevention'- the fucking case isn't! even! locked! Braving the damning gaze of the 45 year old suburban husband- did I mention I neglected to throw on my wedding ring before running to the store?- I purchased my contraband and high-tailed it home, sprinting for the bathroom so I could pee-onna-stick. And then wait 3 minutes. Three. Agonizingly. Long. Minutes. I have not prayed this hard over a pee stick since college, lemme tell you. Ok, I don't think I've prayed this hard ever, since in college the followup would have been a blissful, devoid of knowledge 'crap, I need to find a planned parenthood' and now I had scenarios of 'what in hell will I do if this fucking no liquor sales on Sundays (until recently) evolution is evil thumpin state doesn't have a planned parenthood! I'll be forced to have the child and hand it over to a republican in some sort of twisted middle American version of 'The Handmaid's Tale' and dear GOD I look bad in red!' dancing through my noggin. One pink line, thank you sweet sweet lord. But that leaves the question, what in hell is making me feel this way?

It's one of the two last pregnancy ha-has. Ha-ha number one, my hair is shedding, like a freaking collie in summer. Number two, my eyes are returning to their previous assy, mis-shapen form, which means I now will need to wear reading glasses again. Except they haven't changed all the way back, so my old prescription is still too strong. So reading a book, a magazine, the computer screen? Hurltacular! Pukealicious! Horforama!

Thank god it doesn't involve a freakin protohuman tadpole.